D is for Divorce

This week my husband of 7 years and I have decided to call it quits. We haven’t been in a good place in a long time so this is where it has naturally ended. First came sadness that my marriage was ending then came anxiety. I was all of a sudden inundated with thoughts from “How am I going to pay my bills?” to “How am I ever going to find another man that will put up with my anxiety?” to “I need to lose weight because nobody will find me attractive at the weight I am at now.” The negative thoughts I had neatly tucked away had returned with a vengeance. My self worth had dropped over the course of hours and I had become unworthy of any future love. After a couple of days of feeling like absolute crap and feeling sorry for myself, I got back up and said “I am going to get excited for the future” and “I will find love again and with someone who can love me back the way I want to be loved.”

I am still really anxious about living by myself which I have never done before. I moved out of my moms house at 19 to live with my then boyfriend now husband and now I am 31 and have no idea how to adult by myself! Looking on the bright side of things, my Ex and I are on good terms and hope to stay that way through our divorce. We share a 9 year old daughter who is taking things pretty well so far so I am happy for that. Today is the first day since deciding to split. I have been hopeful for the future. I am hopeful for love.

Update: It has been a month now since I wrote this and things have not been easier. I have been suffering with severe bouts of depression but with the help of some really good friends, I am coming out on the other side.

Thanks for reading!

Heather